Heh.

Hey beautiful. I was thinking about you. I really really wanna like you like before. I really wanna fall in love with you like before. But it just hurts. Why are we so close yet so far?

I miss you from before. I miss us.

Heh.

This sucks. It just sucks. I mean, I stopped all my stupid flirtatious behavior for you but we're not even friends anymore. This just sucks. I miss you. I really miss the time we are together. You sound polite every time we're on the phone and I hate that. And speaking of which, we rarely speak now.

Troubles.

When I say I could, I could, but when I said I want to, I'm not sure. When I say I wouldn't give up, I would not, but when I said I would, I'm not sure.

I need you in my arms tonight.

Shit.

I wonder why sometimes I walk a thousand miles away just to turn back and run back to were I left. Why is it like that.

I would tremble if you touched my lips.

Why? Why is it all revived. I just realize how much I fuckin' miss you. What is my life without you? What is it? I don't know. I'm glad you won't read this because I just don't want to lose you like I did before. I need you. It's a dreaded revival. I never knew how much I needed you again.

I realized how much I need to be around you. How much I need to hear you speak, see your smile. How much I needed to know you're still around. I just want to hold you. Quote from a song, "Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back?"

I'm just morbidly sorry I couldn't salvage the heartache that you were left with. I am willing to once again, do anything for you. To save you with all the power I could muster. I could only wish.

I'm sorry.

Core.

Hah. I love how nobody reads this blog anymore. It is my diary for real. Its been almost a year but the tenderness still lingers. I just hope it doesn't escalate to another heartbreak.

Turtle.

You taught me how to love, and I will always, and always remember the lesson.

Hell

Mood: I feel like fucking shit.

People say that parents will stand by you whatever you do. I'm pretty sure thats usually the case. How many of your parents ever thought of disowning you? I'm sure not many of you people had face this treatment before. What if your mother told you she doesn't want you as her child? Would you react the way I do - keeping quiet and let it slide. Hell she has to come through that gate every night. And the poignancy just slices my heart into two. I'm not sure if she is capable of compassion at all. Just because of cigarettes, she's ignoring me. Goodness me. 

I understand that it isn't right to tell her I've stopped when I have yet to, completely, at least, but it is only to not get you angry and worked up. I have yet to actually buy any cigs at all. I usually get them from my friends. I don't know if its me but I opt to smoke whenever I need to study or write or do whatever scripting. I consider it a supplement rather than a form of addiction or habit. And do mark my words. I have yet to spend any dime on them. 

And when ever something happens, I'll try to explain myself and all I get is sarcasm and everything else. I am not excusing myself or anything, but I'm telling you the truth and nothing else. I understand it's my fault all along and I am really trying very very hard to quit. It is a waste of money and I definitely don't want to waste any because as Steve had said, you are not earning much and you don't have enough for your own and therefore, I am seeking a job that I desperately am looking forward to have because I can ease your burden and have enough for myself, if not a little more to spare for the family so gramma won't pester you for money.

As to why I didn't respond to your very first text, I was out and my phone isn't a phone with the loudest speakers and the traffic simply overwhelms my ringtone. And having my wallet in the way, I can't feel the vibration, or simply I have too thick of skins.

I just hope you'll simmer down and hear me out, mom. Because all I have is you and all you have is me. Let's not do us both harm by letting go of the only things we have.

Alfie.

Finally!

Mood: Relieved, enlightened!

I'm going to click on your blog and your facebook of the last time in my entire life. See, fate has sealed for everything and I think it's cool now. I no longer believe in faith and will never have it again, or as long as I don't have any targets in sight. I'm tired. Exhausted, in fact. I can't believe how stupid I am to think that it'll happen. I've been neglecting the signs of impossibility since day one but I don't care. I don't care at all anymore. I have my life to lead, I told my mother, and I need to find someone that loves me and not someone that I have to devote all my love and not get anything in return. Not even a simple goodbye, dear friend... I just need to wake up from my deep slumber. 

See, time is ticking by me. It has been almost 5 months since I've started to have an affection for you. But it has to... No. It WILL end. This day forth. I'll love to have old life back. That was I had always been. A rake that knows no boundary. No rules, no bars held. I'm going to love it.

I've finally fallen asleep soundly every night and I'm loving it. Sleeping and waking up the next morning knowing I'll see you is still a drag but hell I'll live!

Until I can take it back, you'll temporarily have my love. 

xoxo,

Alfie

Realisation.

Mood: I've set my views straight.

Hello, people. I would love to thank James, who had spent a great deal of time with me listening to me whine. And don't you worry about it too much. You'll get your answer soon 'nuff. 

Well, it was a great talk and I had a great deal of thinking in the showers just now... See, I was worried today. And scared. My feet and hands were cold this evening. I hate paranoia. But with love, paranoia is always there. I'll have to embrace it if I wish to continue loving, which I will.

Well, I've straighten things out and I was thinking about a lot of things. You've given up in love, I know. But I've came too far to give up now.

Dahlia, dear. As long as you're looking for that faith you had, I'll be waiting for you invitingly to my arms. Fear not, dearest. No matter how long it takes for me, no matter how far it is for me, I'll still be waiting.  See, the nights I lay awake with my eyes glued to the ceiling, I'm thinking, I'm afraid, I'm deliberating. I wonder what should I do for you... if those things I do for you are worth it... If I should go on... I have the answer right here. I shouldn't. See, James was right. You're just torn between me and him. You'll need your time to choose. You're terribly distraught, I know. But do keep in mind that you have your choices, and choose them wisely, dear.

Sigh. I just got called hopeless and a goner by my aunt because I couldn't sleep. What the fuck is wrong with society. I fucking hate my life right now. How I wish I could end it. If it wasn't for my mother, I'd love to see y'all on my fucking funeral day. I love life, yes. But I've lose faith in life... Fuck this shit. I'm out. Fuck you, aunt. Fuck you, family.

Alfie.

Story time!

Mood: Coffee coffee wootwoot!

See, I'm here on my blog again. It was like a short 1 day break before I pop by and starts to blog. I'm smelly and I need a shower. My hair's stiff from the hairspray and stuff. Boring day but had enjoyed reading on my void deck. Feel so mat ah! Lepak at void deck! But way more sophisticated, I daresay. I'm reading a book <--- read.

So how are you, Zelly? Well you are supposed to be studying and not slacking around! But as long as you had fun and stuff, I'm happy!

Well, tomorrow's work for you and stuff and I hope that you'll not tire yourself out. All the best!

Alfie,

xoxo

Mood: am worried already.

Hello, Dahlia. 2nd post in a short time. I know you're living in a dilemma now and... I don't know what to do with you. You're telling me that you don't know but you can only know it for yourself. I cant help you dearest. I can only sit and watch you. I really don't want you to go back to him, really. You've suffered so much already. If my commitment will take you away from him, I would really swear and cross my heart to commit. Anything for you, dearest... Anything for you...

You can count on me for anything, really. Because for all I know, I am now a man capable of nothing but loving you... I am too nice to you, I know. But I can't help it. If I were any worst, you'll probably hate me already... 

Take good care and clean your tears before the boogieman comes. 

xoxo,

Alfie.

Hey

Mood: Happy and havin' a blast!

Well, as many of my lovely friend knows, I'm starting a new life in Second Life. It may sound lame and stuff, people but trust me. You'll get the bug as soon as you start to get a foothold in the game! Beautiful avatars to admire (makes you wish you're like them!), amazing live sets that people play from around the globe. Jazz clubs for you to enjoy. Mmmhmm..

Nuff said! See, I'm here to blog because the beautiful but lets her insecure get the best of her, going by the nick of Dahlia and she's a girl that had figured out the switch somewhere deep in my heart that switches my mood from Happy to Sad, to depressed and over the moon. (It goes four ways because she definitely doesn't know where the angry and fucking pissed off switch is.) 

See, sweetie you've been through SO much. And I was very sorry for the harsh words I've used when we were talking. I just want you to wake up. If I can't wake you up by shaking you gently, I would have to slap you across the face, right? Tofu, dearest you have to let go and let someone who cares and appreciate and loves you in. Let the bad vibes out and let the good ones in. Like chinese new year. Your mom sweeps the floor, and rids them from the dirt and allow all the good luck to come in. LOL! What a metaphor!

See, Dahlia, I understand how many guys are vying for you attention and I absolutely am fine with that because I know I'm the best! TEEHEE. Nah.. am actually very very scared, really. Am really scared, really. It is not that I cannot commit but I'm afraid that you can't. I don't want to wait another 3 years before we could be one because... It'll probably be too late. I'm insecured and you know that. I'm just scared. Because if I don't take your hand right now, I probably will never be able to.

WEH! NO DISTANCE AH! DON'T MAKE ME DEVELOP THE FEAR OF BLOGGING FOR YOU! Keep in mind that you are the world to me and will always be.

Twas fate that brought you to me, and it shall be fate that brings you closer. Every minute with you in my embrace is like a decade in heaven. Hugs and kisses, sweetie!

xoxo,

Alfie.

Oh?

Mood: Tired, and am asking myself many "what-ifs"

Hello, hello, one and all. It has come to the time that I will post something over here. See, I have been dedicating this blog to that special one and it has been a pleasurable one. I really do love her, you see and it pains me to have spent her poignant nights not beside her. Although we would be on the computer, it isn't at all enough. I feel incompetent. And I shan't deny that I feel that I probably shouldn't be me that is caring for you, but it should be someone else. But I'm so glad that you're reassuring me that you want me to care too. I'm really selfish so can I be the only one that is entitled to care for you? *pouts* 

Hehehe! I know how much you miss me blogging and here it is. This is for you, Dahlia. 

You have no idea how you've touched me, you know. I've never been so deeply and crazily in love before and you really have changed my life in such a drastic way that my friends don't even know who I am anymore. I hate the way I love you sometimes. I'm not getting as much attention as I had before with girls and stuff. You stole all my charm canisters away. How selfish! D:

And if you wish of my Facebook display picture to have nobody else besides you and I, take more pictures with me, okay? Your jealousy is comparable to mine so don't complain, okay? I know you enjoy me getting jealous over you and don't deny! Don't worry. Do you want my attention? I can give them all to you. you know. For you, I've taken away my mask already.

See, you've taught me how to dance, really (Not literally because, I daresay, am a way better dancer than you are when it comes to waltz.) . How to love another unconditionally, how to embrace every ounce of hurt (Please do not blame yourself for this. I'm enjoying it. SO SM!), how to ignore the other flowers that tingles my senses and entices my hormones into believing that I could seek passion of the body. You probably have heard this many many times, but have I ever told you that no person could "out-love" you like I do? I mean, take a look at the picture. Am I not always the one the supports you, in open or secretly? Am I not the one that admits that you're the most beautiful with or without that dastard rouge on? Am I not the one that secretly wish to shed some tears because when you sleep because I'm so touched by the beauty that God has created? I'm not sad at all, really. I am grateful. I am elated. I thank God everyday for our acquaintance, and subsequent blossoming of our friendship. I may be leaving, yes, but my heart is always here with you. Forever and ever will be. So I would suggest that you keep it in a box because they break all too easily.

Remember that kiss I left on your palm? Remember to take it out and embrace it in your arms. I left it there to pull you through tough times and all disasters thinkable. Yes, I will always remember that I left it there for you.

Obstacles are always there for me to cross over. No matter how tough it is, I will pull through, with or without you (ah you probably will be there forever for me right! LOL!)

xoxo,

Alfie!

HAPPY BRITHDAY, ZHILING!

Mood: I feel young since there's someone who is 18 and I'm still 17!

First off, I would love to wish Zhiling a Sweetest sweet 18! I hope you love the cake, I certainly did. It's my favorite flavor anyway. (teehee) I've enjoyed the day out and I hope you did too! I'm glad to be acquainted with you (:

Ps. Persuade Zelene to smoke less.

Well, it's been a long day. Was out at Ced's crib for the entire night and went home only at 3:30, I assume. Epic exhaustion. Had been keeping quiet during the later part of tonight. I apologies because I am really really tired!

Alright, thats all for today!

xoxo,

Alfie.

Goodness

Mood: Worried.

Hi people. I hope my two little short story is enjoyed by y'all. Yea. I'm so tired out and I don't even know why.

Sigh. Baby (I know I'm not a person that should be calling you this.) you should know that so long as I'm here, you have me to pull you through it all. Hold my hand, please. Let me guide you through this jungle in this darkness where eve the moonlight doesn't shine. If it's money that worries you, dear, you have me! Just phone me and I have as much as I could offer for you. Not talking to you today had made me miss you so terribly. I just wish you would come online.

I know you read my blog often and I promised every post to you and I'm making the best of my words, aren't I? I hope I'll have your word that you would honor. Please tell me that you want my help. I need you to want my help. That is the least you could do.

xoxo,

Alfie.

I'm bored and I wanna write a short story and here it is!

Mood: I feel like writing a short story.

God. Today's test was total $#&^$*^% <--- You have to insert your own cursing thingy here.

Ahh! I have this sudden surge of inspiration. Like it pinch me on the cheeks! So here it goes.

Entitled

Désolé. [It means Sorry by the way.] (but it's in english.)

January 25th, 2011, Midnight

"I wonder how could I sit here on this bench in this freezing weather and cry while not having my tears frozen into mini ice balls. God. I just miss her so terribly. In a weeks time, I'll most probably be on the flight to a foreign land to start my new life. Even thought I know she can't possibly follow me, I secretly wish she could." Johanne sobbed as his freezing cellphone turn warm from the conversation with Anthony.

"Fret not, brother. Just leave and have no regrets. Move on if you should there's nothing worth valuing. None at all. Should you..." He was cut off.

"Look, I have just so many precious memories with her that I simply do not wish to let go. Even if I could, I don't want to. She's just so..." Johanne took in a deep breath to keep his tears in. He's eyes are swollen as it is. Trading sleep for crying is never a good idea.

"We'll just talk another day. I'm absolutely exhausted." Johanne touched the End Call icon on his phone and slotted it into his pocket, together with his cigarettes. He got up to his feet that was asleep, now tingling, and limped his way down the empty streets when he felt his phone vibrate from a text message. He opened it and it reads,

As much as I don't want you to leave, I really can't help but let you leave. Don't worry. I won't forget about you neither should you.

Upon reading the text, his warm tears flowed down from his eye sockets and trickle down his rosy cheeks, leaving a warm trail that turned cold in an instant. He slot his phone back to it's original position and for the first time in the past week, he smiled bitterly.

He was home and scanning the radio and he paused at this station that was playing, "My Immortal" by Evanescence. How much he wish she could come with him. Oh how much he's dying for her. If only she knew how much she meant to him. If he could turn back time, he wants it at a place where he had known her before her boyfriend had. He wants to be the one that tugs her in to bed every night and rub her back when she's having a backache. At the thought of it, he involuntarily weeped. Knowing that he had never been actually loved before, he had made up his mind. He will leave this godforsaken place.

January 26th, 2011, Morning.

For the first time in eight days, he woke up from a slumber. He dragged his weary body and swollen eyes to the basin and looked into the mirror and looked eye to eye with a man so terribly broken that even superman would turn his head away. He was, as he thought, just simply beyond hope and only leaving would be his key to a happier life. He had decided that today, he shall go to school and pretend everything is alright, like he always do.

After washing up and having a cup of coffee as opposed to a hearty breakfast (with coffee, of course.) that he would usually enjoy before departing, he slipped into his shoe and slowly slipped the key into the keyhole and turned it. The noise made by the key in contact with the grooves inside the lock were suddenly extremely audible and very distinct. One by one, he heard the teeth in line with the groove and the lock clicking open was so audible that it could wake a drunk man from his sleep, or so he thought.

He walked ever so slowly to the nearest subway station with a cigarette lighted in his mouth and there came a couple. Young in their teenage year cuddling and kissing. He turned away lest he wants to be seen with tears trickling down his face.

And there was another, and another. God must be teasing him, he thought. He shrugged that idea off and hurried to the train station and boarded the train. He sat down and open his bag and took out his book titled "A Time Traveller's Wife." by Audrey Niffeneger. He wondered why every character in a book will end their story with a loving wife or husband while he has to seek his romance so far away. He would never know. He has been lonely for far too long, he always said, no matter how many scandals he had engaged in in the past, he could never ever find that tender feeling he has been yearning for.

And there he was. The college he attends and the very place that he know her, befriend her, fall for her. It is not exactly his favorite place in the world. He dragged his weary feet up the stairs knowing that the lift is out of order and he found an empty slot and plops down at the sit and rests his head on the dusty, smelly table. He must have fallen asleep because the minute he some how sense (or smelled) her arrival, he sat up and stretched his neck like a giraffe. She was happy. He was not. But he puts on that mask he hand always put on, even though it is becoming worn out.

They smile and chatted like everyday and deep in his heart, he cried because he knows that they will be apart and most probably, they will be apart forever. For the first time, loving had lost its meaning.

Lousy ending, I know! But that's the best after a long day in school!

xoxo

Alfie.

I'm bored and I wanna write a short story.

My Immortal.

Mood: I just can't let go.

Today was hell of a tired despite sleeping sufficiently. God. Today was a bitter-sweet day. Like am supposed to go out having fun but I just ain't too enthusiastic about it. Lethargic. Just so darn lethargic. I pray to God every night and I hope everything's fine for you. God listens, you know. He listens so intently. I love you, God.

But as much as I want you to be happy, I want you to be happy with me. I guess I really am selfish. After all, I'm a pampered child. Nehnehneh! HAHA. I almost fell asleep on the sofa at GAP today. I almost stay awake for my 8th day. And that text of yours made me cry at home and in the public. So embarassing! :$

Thank you so much for reading my blog and I promise I'll blog every day when I'm not here anymore. And pull me up when I fall because I swear I need you even when I'm far away. you're my immortal. You'll forever be and theres no defeating me with you around. As long as you never give me up, I'll never give up on myself. I need you like a baby needs his blanket (So corny!)

Call me soon!

xoxo,

Alfie.

Dear God, ...

Mood: Feeling prayer-ish. I still am missing you.

Well, today was a great day with JL, Ed and Zelly. Was a great, great, wonderful evening. Risk was so much fun despite the fact that the game rules were all made up by JL. What the hell. :O Board game club is an amazing CCA despite the dorky name man. And I can't believe I actually spent the entire evening with the trio! It was from like 5 or 6 until a good 12:45 in the morning.

Still couldn't believe how beautiful you are and I can only bring that pretty face to UK with me as memories and photographs. And I just can't believe how much you've sacrificed for Axxie. Like gosh. I would've loved you to molecular size if I had you. If.

I haven't slept in a week and I'm kinda used to not sleeping at all now. And I actually spent one of the night to write you this. I intended to say them to you face to face, but I guess I'll never have to chance to.

Know, I'll be leaving soon and you are the one that I would miss the most terribly. It's that cute face of your's when you laugh and smile that would be lodged so deeply in my mind (aka, the pig face!)>

I've lost you once and I'm going to lose you again and probably for good this time. With that, I have so much regrets. I'll cry for that because I'll probably be up all night thinking about you. and I too, wish that I could stay just a little longer. Who would actually be there, physically and mentally, for you when you're at your worst? Okay sure, you have many other friends that are probably better than I am but you know, it just sucks to know that I play no part in your life anymore. At least I've got your bookmark in a box because it holds such dear memories. I'd be frequently using it though because I wish that you were with me every page that I flip and read. (I've told you this part before) I tend to throw away lighters but the one you gave me, I never did. I keep it with me every where I go and even when it no longer lights up, I'll still be having it in my pocket. Always.

I'm going to harvest every ounce of memory I have with you because I'll definitely need them to pull me through. If I could clasp your in mind, I would love that you'd remember the warmth that envelopes your delicate, supple hands. Should you feel cold and alone or whatsoever, I want you to remember the feeling that it gave you.

You have Axel with you should you need a shelter but from what I know, he could actually bring you some. But I'm pretty sure it'll always tide over. Be firm, be less sensitive because he definitely loves you more than I'll ever do. Should you ever need someone to puke your sorrow or what have you, I'm always an MSN chat away, a skype call or oovoo call away and definitely a phone call away. No matter how much it'll cost me, I will call you. No matter what. I swear. I actually wish I could take you with me.

I know you found some of my gestures obnoxious and repulsive, but it's just my last something that I want to do to have myself remembered by you, my dearest best friend.

I wish you good luck in everything you do and may little Cupid smile upon you and Axel. And don't bloody forget to send me an eVite or invite or what have you to your wedding!

xoxo,

Alfie.