Bollocks!

Mood: Utterly faithless and angry.

Absurd! How the nerve! This woman that I called Mother had rendered me faithless. I'm really, really angered by her damned sarcasm! It was a mere Ez-Link card of which I have misplaced and I don't EVEN know how the deuce it got out of my wallet and vanish into thin air. Buggery.

Look Mama, it isn't exactly my fault, at least half of it was, that I have misplaced that pathetic little card. I blame my carelessness too, but I was expecting a piece of advice from you. But all I got was sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm. Damn it all!

Tick and a tock, time is passing by. GET OVER IT! It isn't half your fault that you have courted a man of such irresponsibility. YOU deserve better. Neither was it mine, you know. I said no to the courtship, neither did I said yes. And I agree I've admitted that he was a pretty nice man, but apparently, it was all his husk. Foul beast are to be banished, I believe, innocents should be left alone. I, for one, happen to be innocent. Leave me out of your rage and anger. Damn me if wrong, but you have been not yourself for a bloody long time. Ever since you came home from Taiwan, you have been foul in mood and in the process, I was assaulted. Psychologically.

And you blame of for starting to puff away. Have you ever looked back into the past when I beg of you to quit smoking but you would brush it aside and tell me lie after lie about you never to smoke again? Buggery. You have been most foolish to think that you have not influenced me. I've loved you for a long time and now, I might just be growing faithless.

Dash it all. Dash it all. I will end my blabbering.

Love,

Alfie.

Wow

Mood: I don't wanna talk about it.

Hi readers. Yes, yet another midnight post and you should know whats coming. Thank you, Willabelle and Guan, for being there for me. Unfortunately, words aren't gonna help me this time round. Its been awhile since my breakdown but this time, its rather quick compared to any other dates.

I'm scared. Really, I am... I'm afraid of spending another night alone in front of my laptop in my hall thinking about stuff. Its been really long now. When will He deliver me the answer? I am not a bad person, really. I just have a brain built to shoot words out from my mouth as and when I like. I'm blunt. I hold no barriers. Thats just me. What the fuck do you want me to be? You made me this way. I don't know. Really. Sitting up at nights thinking about those little tic-tac sized comments that strike heavy blows in your heart is really just fucking bullshit. Why do we have memories? I would sell them away if I have to. I don't want any memories because none of them had been beautiful. Ain't got a responsible mother, ain't got a loving family, ain't got no one to love. Its a bliss to be smacked across the head by your girlfriend. Its a bliss to argue with your girlfriend. Its a bliss to hug your girlfriend when she cry. Bliss... Just another simple word that I can see but not feel nor taste. Call me an epitome of pensiveness, but being single for 4 or 5 years, sitting alone and crying really kills you inside. I'm just waiting for something in me to fail and I can sleep for as long as I want. Since people say that it will be alright after a good sleep, I'm gonna have a good long one. As long as I don't have to, I won't wake up. I'll just lay sleeping. What is there to lose? Nobody's gonna cry for you. Nobody's gonna feel sorry. You're just a lost soul seeking a home. Try giving something to someone you love and have it being swiped from your hands and seeing it break in front of your fucking face. Even if he/she didn't do it intentionally. Either fucking way, its an abhorrent thing.

"Hey, Alfie, I really am envious of you. Ain't got a worry about a girl. Man, I wish I was single."

Hey fuckface, listen up. You ain't got a clue how much tear I have shed just because I was alone for fucking 5 years. You wanna swap roles? You wanna stay single for 5 years? You wanna shed so much tear you can fucking water the padi field? Well fuck you, little pussy wanker. I'd rather quarrel with my girlfriend and cry over it than to sit here, blogging about how fucking much I want to have a fucking girlfriend. Abhorrent little fucking wanker. Try getting rejected over and over and over and over and over and over fucking again.

Fuck you, wanker.

Alfie

WEE

Mood: Welcoming, curious and warm.

Good evening, everyone! Gosh its been a real busy week and finally I can sit down and blog about stuff! Goodness! As usual, Ups and Downs but the Up side is pretty much enjoyable!

So Ups: It was NerfSG's first anniversary! Oh my goodness! Happy birthday NerfSG. and just for you info, its a community based in singapore for enthusiast on Nerf Guns, which are toys from Hasbro. Don't get me wrong! I'm not playing with toys, I'm playing with GUNS! :D and also, HAPPY 22, SPARTY! Yea. Its James, aka Spartan's birthday on 16th too! Coincidence much x) For the record, I'm believing in God (finally) I mean, I need answers and only He can deliver them to me. I mean, I don't really know it yet but well, he should.

Downs: ahh! Typical bullshit. Got rejected again and my granny just FUCKING framed me for stealing her money. I mean what the fuck, right? To think I've been such a nice chap to be running errands for her. I don't even fucking get a dime for whatever I do, and if I were to steal. I wouldn't just take fifty sorry bucks would I? Fuck I can't believe man. 18 years we've been living together and she doesn't fucking trust me? What the fuck? So much for mutual bonding.

Sigh, rejection again! But of course the big Man upstairs will show me the light, I believe. Ever since believing in Him, I felt happier... Like I'm going to know the answer anytime. Now, I'm not trying to preach or anything, but I really think I'm sort of liberated! maybe he'll give me the answer.

"deny me, and I'll deny you from my father" now I don't want that!

Thats all for today. The end of my report!

Love,

Alfie.

You died my heart.

Mood: Feeling normal.

Hi readers! Belated happy new year (:! Went to the countdown. Fireworks was awesome but SUPER short lived, like love. So eternity is a lie. I heard from a man. Its so true. The key to maintaining a 50 year old relationship is to cheat. Cheating gets you away from someone for a period of time and of course, you have a fresh feeling every time you see your spouse again. Many may disagree with me, and I disagree with myself. I mean, how do you expect for yourself to trust yourself when you're lying to yourself? And when you can't trust yourself, how can your spouse trust you? Your just another failure in the big book of failed relationship.

You: I assume you're having a bad day with your "boyfriend". Well, if a guy makes you frown, he hasn't been doing his job, don't you think so? So why not just forget about him and come into the arm of a person that will swear his heart upon the dagger to not make you cry. I don't know if you're reading this blog. I believe you have. So how do you feel? Terrorized? Annoyed? I believe so. So what if I like you? So what? Everyone has the right to love.... Right? Or is it otherwise?

Many things are going through my head and really, its not the time to think about stuff now. I've got a portfolio to work out and I ain't procrastinating. And girl, I hope school will be fabulous for you. Need help and I'm always here.

Love,

Alfie

Dreams.

Mood: I miss your smile..


Hi!

Wow, once again, its raining. Listening to music since my aunt's always hogging to the fucking TV (roll eyes).


It's been a week now. Haven't been chatting with you. How are you? I'm just happy that you've got someone which you could most probably be holding now. What am I if I wouldn't be happy about you being with the one you love the most, right? At the same time, I can't help but want to be the one you love the most.. Guess I'm just stupid to be even want to. Look at me, a guy that isn't charismatic. A guy that has no talent. A guy that has nothing under his name. Where can you find another failure like me? You cannot.

Oh well, nothing much to blog about besides my fucking pensiveness. Sometimes, I feel like a girl. Pussy.. Working on a short story. Gonna have it posted soon. Stay tuned!

Love,
Alfie.

Hi

Mood: Apathetic

Dearest readers!

Hi! Its me again. I'm at Laiguan's crib and it sure is nice to be spending the night away from home feeling self sympathetic and lonely. Of course, it started with a really terrible day. So much for a great Sunday, huh? Oh well. I woke up at 4 in the afternoon with tears in my eyes and it really sucks to sleep on a pillow soaked in tears. Terrible feeling. At least, without the one you love the most, you still know that you have your friends with you.

I just miss you so terribly. When I wanted to speak to you, you wre about to go out. And yea, of course I'm helluva fine with it but I can't help but feel a little depressed. Knowing that you're going out with your boyfriend, I can't help but sink down into my sofa and muster myself for another downpour. Its pouring today in the central-north, and it reflects my mood. A lot, I would say. Knowing that the person you love deeply is with someone he/she love but the person ain't you takes a whole chunk out of you. How you wish it would all just stop.

" When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me. " - Robert Bridge 1844-1930s.

I pray the day that you would turn around and look at me and say: " Yes, I would want to be your girlfriend. " But I know it'll be an eternity and 1 day and also, it will as long as I would take to love you. Perhaps I will love you so so much longer.

It so cold tonight. Are you warm in your bed, darling? Do you need an extra blanket? Do you need another person to hold? Someone warmer with passion? I miss talking to you. I'm sorry I am a mess. I'm sorry I was stupid enough to think you would return the feeling. I'm sorry for wasting your time. If the amount of misses can be converted into cold hard cash, I'll use that money to buy you a mansion.

" I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all- Lord Alfred Tennyson 1809-1892 "



It's easier said than done. Whats it like to lose love? I can write a book on that. In short, it feels like the world is crumbling. The sky could no longer hold its mass and they come crashing down to earth, piece by piece. You could most certainly smell death when you brush across with the one you love and lost. I should move on, yes, I know but a pity. I cannot. Perhaps I don't want to. I wanna give it a try. If I never try, I'll never know. Maybe I have already seen the truth but I don't wanna face it. I'll pretend that its not here with my eyes blinded with a veil.

Nuff' said. I would wish to go to sleep now. I hope when you see this, don't freak out. I'm not an obsessive lover but I crave Thy touch.

Awesome. Nothing's going as planned.

Mood: I'm sick of tired of everything. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.


Greetings readers.

First of all, Merry x'mas, be it a good one or a fucked up one. Its pretty awesome to know that your friends are with you when you need them. Really. It is. Guess what? Knowing that the girl you like will be there with you is an AWESOME deal. Even better than having the entire world with you. Because he/she had to leave early, you would wanna treasure every minute with he/she, right? You want to send 'em home but ignorant people will insist that they take a cheaper deal of public transport, leaving you to think "Hey! I'm suppose to send he/she home!" You really can't blame that ignorant individual, really. He's just oblivious to his surrounding.. Thats one thing thats not going as planned.

Its steamboat time! Everyone, the ones you know, the ones you don't, are crowding around the steamboat, dumping food and scooping them out of the pot. "Psst", The sound of beer cans opening resonated around. Everyone was having the time of their life. Somehow, you'll be sensing something missing. Somewhere along the way, you might have left something behind. Somehow, something is not in place. Perhaps its your wallet? No. Its in your pocket. Your phone? Its in your hands, for crying out loud. Your MP3 player? Can't be. You're listening to it. Maybe its the sight of the one you think you will get together with. Yes. This is it. Oh well, since he/she is busy, you thought, just let them be. You open a can of beer, finished it, and continued eating. Without the one you want to be with around, thats the second thing that did not go as planned.

You text them, hoping they could accompany you since everyone is not at home. You're alone. You want someone to accompany you. They tell you they have something on. You smiled and fixed another day. You waited. And they finally told you its okay to fix it at 2 days later. You feel happy. Thats went as planned.

You got home, you got on your instant messaging account. You hope to see them online, and they are. They are online, just sitting there. You double click on their list. You chatted with them and you double confirmed the date. And you felt hopeful. You feel that you will stand a chance with them and you went ahead to drop a hint, or at least to find out their marital status. You asked: "So, I assume you ain't got a boyfriend or girlfriend right?" and they replied "Sort of." You got caught off guard. You staggered. Your pupils widen. You break into a cold sweat. Then you go, sounding as happy as you possibly can: " HAHA! So I assume you're gonna be together anytime soon?" and they reply: " most probably after my exams." your world came crashing down on you. You just can't brace yourself, you fell on your knees. You tried composing yourself. You try to shake the feeling off. Too bad, they linger. Without saying goodbye, you logged off, jumped into your bed, wishing you could sleep it away. Thats the last thing that has not went as planned. You give up.

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else."

Bloody as hell true! By knowing she love someone else it already could tear you apart. What more watching them do what you did with them.

Alright, enough of my shit. I'll suck it up and move on! Talk to y'all next time!