Heh.

This sucks. It just sucks. I mean, I stopped all my stupid flirtatious behavior for you but we're not even friends anymore. This just sucks. I miss you. I really miss the time we are together. You sound polite every time we're on the phone and I hate that. And speaking of which, we rarely speak now.

Troubles.

When I say I could, I could, but when I said I want to, I'm not sure. When I say I wouldn't give up, I would not, but when I said I would, I'm not sure.

I need you in my arms tonight.

Shit.

I wonder why sometimes I walk a thousand miles away just to turn back and run back to were I left. Why is it like that.

I would tremble if you touched my lips.

Why? Why is it all revived. I just realize how much I fuckin' miss you. What is my life without you? What is it? I don't know. I'm glad you won't read this because I just don't want to lose you like I did before. I need you. It's a dreaded revival. I never knew how much I needed you again.

I realized how much I need to be around you. How much I need to hear you speak, see your smile. How much I needed to know you're still around. I just want to hold you. Quote from a song, "Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back?"

I'm just morbidly sorry I couldn't salvage the heartache that you were left with. I am willing to once again, do anything for you. To save you with all the power I could muster. I could only wish.

I'm sorry.

Core.

Hah. I love how nobody reads this blog anymore. It is my diary for real. Its been almost a year but the tenderness still lingers. I just hope it doesn't escalate to another heartbreak.

Turtle.

You taught me how to love, and I will always, and always remember the lesson.

Hell

Mood: I feel like fucking shit.

People say that parents will stand by you whatever you do. I'm pretty sure thats usually the case. How many of your parents ever thought of disowning you? I'm sure not many of you people had face this treatment before. What if your mother told you she doesn't want you as her child? Would you react the way I do - keeping quiet and let it slide. Hell she has to come through that gate every night. And the poignancy just slices my heart into two. I'm not sure if she is capable of compassion at all. Just because of cigarettes, she's ignoring me. Goodness me. 

I understand that it isn't right to tell her I've stopped when I have yet to, completely, at least, but it is only to not get you angry and worked up. I have yet to actually buy any cigs at all. I usually get them from my friends. I don't know if its me but I opt to smoke whenever I need to study or write or do whatever scripting. I consider it a supplement rather than a form of addiction or habit. And do mark my words. I have yet to spend any dime on them. 

And when ever something happens, I'll try to explain myself and all I get is sarcasm and everything else. I am not excusing myself or anything, but I'm telling you the truth and nothing else. I understand it's my fault all along and I am really trying very very hard to quit. It is a waste of money and I definitely don't want to waste any because as Steve had said, you are not earning much and you don't have enough for your own and therefore, I am seeking a job that I desperately am looking forward to have because I can ease your burden and have enough for myself, if not a little more to spare for the family so gramma won't pester you for money.

As to why I didn't respond to your very first text, I was out and my phone isn't a phone with the loudest speakers and the traffic simply overwhelms my ringtone. And having my wallet in the way, I can't feel the vibration, or simply I have too thick of skins.

I just hope you'll simmer down and hear me out, mom. Because all I have is you and all you have is me. Let's not do us both harm by letting go of the only things we have.

Alfie.