Mood: I feel like fucking shit.
People say that parents will stand by you whatever you do. I'm pretty sure thats usually the case. How many of your parents ever thought of disowning you? I'm sure not many of you people had face this treatment before. What if your mother told you she doesn't want you as her child? Would you react the way I do - keeping quiet and let it slide. Hell she has to come through that gate every night. And the poignancy just slices my heart into two. I'm not sure if she is capable of compassion at all. Just because of cigarettes, she's ignoring me. Goodness me.
I understand that it isn't right to tell her I've stopped when I have yet to, completely, at least, but it is only to not get you angry and worked up. I have yet to actually buy any cigs at all. I usually get them from my friends. I don't know if its me but I opt to smoke whenever I need to study or write or do whatever scripting. I consider it a supplement rather than a form of addiction or habit. And do mark my words. I have yet to spend any dime on them.
And when ever something happens, I'll try to explain myself and all I get is sarcasm and everything else. I am not excusing myself or anything, but I'm telling you the truth and nothing else. I understand it's my fault all along and I am really trying very very hard to quit. It is a waste of money and I definitely don't want to waste any because as Steve had said, you are not earning much and you don't have enough for your own and therefore, I am seeking a job that I desperately am looking forward to have because I can ease your burden and have enough for myself, if not a little more to spare for the family so gramma won't pester you for money.
As to why I didn't respond to your very first text, I was out and my phone isn't a phone with the loudest speakers and the traffic simply overwhelms my ringtone. And having my wallet in the way, I can't feel the vibration, or simply I have too thick of skins.
I just hope you'll simmer down and hear me out, mom. Because all I have is you and all you have is me. Let's not do us both harm by letting go of the only things we have.
Alfie.
