Nope nothing.

Mood: Sour.

Enjoying: tang yuan! (love)


Hi once again. Here to rant about stuff. Feeling SO much again at 1:32. I really love this blog. I can talk about stuff I have never told before to anyone. Its like my little exposed secret diary. I don't post bout stuff I do with my pals, with my nerfers and with my computer but I do post what I feel. It's after midnight and well, its usually my time of the day, or night, when I'm not sleeping, that I look around me. In the home I've stayed in for 17 years. In the pictures in my picture album. My mother, my father I once knew, my granny and her now. My great-aunt and how she is now. Kinda brings the sour to my nose to realise how much I've let slipped by.

Well, grammy's watching TV and I'm here posting this. Still, I can't help shedding tears. Her aged face only can age even further. Her hands coarse from all the chores, the time she hugged me when I cry alone in my room. The times she yelled at me for leaving my light on after I went to the bathroom. I start to want them back. Grand aunt. The one that dotes me the most yet gets on my nerve the most. I know she nag and ask all too much question because she cares for me, but I can't help but lose it at her sometimes. I feel really apologetic. Mom. A strong 36 year old lady that single handedly raised a kid. Shes sleeping now but I so wish she could just give me one tight embrace right now. I miss the time she would play with me and sing me songs so as to stop me from crying. Seeing her coming home every night with the super tired look, I wanna hug her and tell her "mom, thank you for everything. I love you." its just these simple words yet I feel so hard to let them out. If my teeth are bars from the cells, I would willingly take them all out. Dad. You're a fucking jerk but yes, I miss you. I miss the time you would sit around in the living room with me, watching TV, telling me to work hard to be a member of the SWAT. I am working on it.. I'll show you I can do it. I'll get into the SWAT, I'll get into the Spetznaz, I will get into the SAS. I will prove it to you that without you, I'm still the Man you wanted me to be. And I really do feel like breaking your face for the number of times you made Mom cry. When I left the home we once shared, trust me, I kept looking back. I wish you would race out and hold mom's hand and tell her to not leave you. And that you promise to be a better man.

I will never get closer to my family ever. As it is broken, I wanna break free. I'm no longer a kid. I wanna strike it out on my own.

Enough of family. Thinking about the one that I adore the most. You, girl. You.. I always hope to see you online when ever I get online at 1.00 PM. You have your life yes but I really miss talking to you. You never cease to cheer me up. Even a simple smiling emoticon will make me smile ever so much, ever so hard. You weren't talking much to me yesterday, and I've got to admit. I got paranoid. I got sad. But oh well. Theres a stigma in me after the previous episode I had with another girl that left her prints in my life. I'm afraid to start anything with anyone because I don't want anything to end like the hurricane.

"In my prayers, I prayed for God to let me be with you. He made me the tree that is at the pathway that you walk by everyday. I see you walk by, holding the hand of another guy. My dear, the falling leaves are not the signs of autumn and romance, its just the fragments of my breaking heart."

To the girl that left something in me: I thank you for making me who I am today. Yes, I did hate you before, I hate you for taking my guts away to love anyone again. I only got paranoid because I care too much. Well, now I've learn to not smother someone like I did.

Maybe its this time that a boy change to a man. Maybe its time where leave had fallen, and the biting cold challenge my will. And pass this, it will be spring. I will start blooming flowers, and soon, I will bear fruits. My children. They are gonna experience the same thing as I did, and I, promise to be a father than the one I have, will have this very post to tell them what I have been through. I've never regretted being me and I never will.

Its 2am now and everyones asleep. Now I can finally cry without a care. This is the time when you have to let everything out at one go. Its now or never.